Letting go

(originally posted 7/28/2009)

“Release : re.lease /rɪˈlis/ [ri-lees] verb, -leased, -leas.ing, noun
–verb (used with object) 1. to free from confinement, bondage, obligation, pain, etc.; let go.”

It sounds like such a passive act; To let go. To accept. To allow yourself to be carried by the currents you have been fighting.

But sometimes living in a state of release is the most exhausting work you’ll ever do. Because for a small word, it’s a big idea.

We are taught from an early age that we are the product of our actions and decisions. Work hard and you’ll succeed. Remain vigilant and you’ll be safer. Struggle, fight, and claw your way to get where to where you ought to be. Above all else, remain in control.

But sometimes, maybe, where we ought to be is the place we’ve been struggling to avoid. And the control we had was, at best, an illusion to begin with.

That’s the real kicker. Control. We fight so hard to be the instrument of our own destinies. To convince ourselves that if we make the right decisions, things will turn out as we want them to—as they should.

The problem is those may be conflicting interests. What we want to have happen and what needs to happen may be very different destinations. But these are the days of instant gratifications and boundless self-fulfillment, so that’s a tough idea to comprehend.

In our culture, glory and honor are forged in the struggle. It’s the fight that makes us. But lately I’ve been thinking the more difficult path is the one of least resistance. Accepting that some things will or won’t happen, no matter how much you might fuss, is an act of constant effort. It’s like repeatidly having to exhale when everything you’ve learned tells you to gasp. It’s the ultimate trust exercise, asking you to close your eyes, cross your arms and fall backward into the unknown time and time again. It’s understanding that sometimes this will result in tears and bruises and broken hearts, but believing that those were the experiences to be had here, on this day.

It’s the act of refusing yourself the indulgence of Googleing the ways a thing might go “wrong” and accepting there is no wrong in that sense. There just is what is.

It’s the act of putting down the phone 100 times a day, never allowing yourself to dial that number.

It’s the quite chatter of late-night television used to distract you from thoughts which only lead to the darkened allies of fear and despair.

It’s playing Tetris until 4 a.m. if that’s what it takes to keep from thinking thoughts that will drown you.

It’s believing that sometimes the worst is what’s best, even when there are no answers or reasons to be found.

It’s a straining act of repetition. It’s a mantra for dark and sleepless hours. “Let it go; let it go.” “What happens, happens.” “Proceed in faith.”

And it sounds so easy. Just release the white-knuckle grip you think you have on the steering wheel to your next destination. Just enjoy the ride.

But it’s not. It’s hard, heartbreaking, frustrating, monotonous, gut-wrenching, terrifying, painful, maddening work.

Just like most everything else worth doing.