The great breastfeeding debate

One of the first things I learned about being a parent is that no matter what you are doing in relation to your children, somebody always thinks you’re doing it wrong. And while everything from whether or not to circumcise to working vs. staying at home is a potential minefield for criticism, it seems nothing inspires as many tense words and raised eyebrows as the question “breast or bottle?”

It’s enough to make any new mom downright nostalgic for the ol’ “paper or plastic” decision.

I think the reason for the topic being so heated is two-fold: First, there’s nothing more basic in parenting than feeding your child, and because it is universal it is something literally every parent who has raised a child has done, and therefore has an opinion about.

Second, in our society breasts are equated with sex, and nothing fuels a debate like adding sex to the fire.

As a mother, there are so, so many things to consider when deciding whether or not to breastfeed. For me, though, it came down to this: I was biologically able to do it and it was the best thing for my children.

So does that mean I think anyone who does it differently doesn’t love their kids as much or is a worse mother? Nope. Do people interoperate it that way? Yep.

The sad truth is whichever feeding method you pick, someone who chose differently will see your decision as a rejection of their own parenting style, and mothers take that crap personally.

I say all that because I can’t help but think it plays into this next issue :breastfeeding in public.

I’ve never seen anyone, anywhere, object to bottle feeding a baby in public. I’ve personally gotten some odd reactions to bottle feeding a baby pumped breast milk in public. But nothing, nothing gets some folks queasy and ready to rumble like the sight of a baby being breastfed out in the open.

The debate about this is multifaceted but mostly boils down to three camps: “That should not be done in public.” “ That can only be done in public if I can’t tell that’s what you’re doing,” and “That can and should be done in public.”

Each reaction is valid. We as, as society, have an aversion to bodily fluids of any sort being expressed in a public place. I think that’s why so many people suggest women only breastfeed in bathrooms: “That’s where I put anything coming outta my body lady, you do the same.”

Also, again, breasts equal sex to most people, and anything sexual in public is a no-no. Is it right? Is it the fair? Who or what is to blame? Doesn’t matter. Not here, anyway. Sometimes you just have to accept the reality you exist in for what it is at that particular moment.

Finally, I can’t help but feel some women who used formula take this blatant breast baring as a public rejection of their own mothering style. And in fact, I think some women who do publicly breastfeed do so almost militantly, as if to say “That’s right, this is my choice and you can just deal with it.”

And I’m not saying any of that is necessarily wrong.

Equally valid is the belief that women who are nurturing their child in the most natural --and medically advocated-- way, is not something on par with pooping, to be done only in bathrooms. And while we’re on the topic, those of you who say “do it in the bathroom,” I can tell you from personal experience how unpleasant it can be to breastfeed a baby while someone is dropping a log in the next stall. Not a great time.

Talk of needing to be discreet only reinforces the idea that a nursing baby is something shameful, and that our bodies are not to be seen in that way. And even if that’s not how it’s intended, that’s how it feels.

The simple truth is, when it comes to this topic, you can’t win. Moreover, the thing they don’t tell you at the doctor’s or at the hospital or in the magazines or articles or news segments or any of the other billion places they foist the need to breastfeed for a year on a new mother is that in doing so you are making the decision to be very, very lonely. Because unless you are comfortable making others uncomfortable, or spending prolonged periods of time with your newborn in a public bathroom or attaching a baby to your nipple in front of your father-in-law or uncle or brother or any other male aside from your husband (or baby daddy…whatever) you are choosing to be alone.

Because when people come over in droves to see that cute lil’ bundle of joy, they don’t want to see that, so prepare to be hidden in the bedroom while everyone else chats happily. And if you want to go out to do anything, know your time away from the house is limited to --and this is as the very most, if the sleeping baby gods are smiling upon you-- two hours, including travel time. And if you do need to be gone longer you need to pump milk for the occasion and that takes no small skill with timing and not to mention a very expensive machine.

It gets easier. Times passes quickly. A year in a lifetime of years isn’t really so much. And hey, by four months old you can start with cereal and other foods. But it’s still a very lonely time while you live it.

I don’t breastfeed in public. I am, at my core, a people pleaser and hate the idea of making others uncomfortable when I could just inconvenience myself instead. In fact, I never even use the word “breastfeed’ when it can be avoided because despite having done it for a year with Kat and two months so far with Josh, it still seems icky and embarrassing to me. But the logical part of me knows that’s a little twisted. I’m doing what they all told me to do. I’m doing what is supposed to be the best thing for my baby. But it’s still a dirty little secret most days.

And I don’t see that changing in a time where it will help me, but I can’t help but hope when my own daughter chooses between breast or bottle, it isn’t actually a choice between bottle or social isolation.